Messages from the other planet

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This is a topic that has been discussed and dissected when it is not being used, abused, referred to or taken advantage of, each time debating inhabitants of Mars and Venus come face to face.

Because the chasm between the two planets is so vast, messages, by the time they reach the other side, tend to get warped. A Venusian may say something and the Martian may interpret it as something else, and vice versa.

It is often said that communication is the best way to keep a relationship going, so here are a few things Venusians would like Martians to know, and hope the messages reach them in the essence they were intended;

* Please look us in the eye when you talk to us. In case of navigational difficulties, our eyes are those two black/brown/green/blue/ and white colored disks on our face. Our face is that object that’s balanced on our neck. Our neck is that tubular growth sprouting up from between our shoulders. Our shoulders are those curves which precede our chest. Our chest is that region you have been staring at ever since you walked in.

* The only correct answer to the question, “Do I look fat in this?” is “No darling, you are perfect.” Memorize it.

* You can be as metro sexual/ retro sexual (or whatever the latest term, used to refer to your being in touch with your aesthetic side is) as you like, as long as you don’t filch our beauty products, hair accessories and jewelry.

* Diamonds, jewelry, bags and shoes are investments. The Xbox, Play station and other similar gadgets are not.

* If we come to you with a problem, don’t play counselor. We’ll figure out the answer on our own. In fact, we already know the answer; we just like hearing ourselves talk.

* Of course, that swimwear model is perfect, she’s airbrushed! Oooohh! Look at the perfect six-pack on the shirtless model, he works out.

* We wonder why you don’t follow some of the unisex beauty and fashion tips from our girly magazines that you secretly read from cover to cover.

* We like watching sport too. Particularly those which have a bunch of good-looking, hunky, sweaty and just-appropriately-enough clad men playing the field. Which is why, cricket and the F1 make us reach for the remote.

* Hair any longer than the shoulders is a horror to maintain. If you like long hair, grow yours.

* We are as scared of commitment as you are. We imagine George Clooney/Colin Farrell/ Jude Law sprinting towards us, holding aloft a rock-sized solitaire and apologizing for not realizing we were ‘The One’, just as we are about to slip the ring onto your finger.

* When you tell us to ‘Relax’, we getter madder still.

* We love your mother just as much as she loves us.

* Grooming your self is not so tough; take our word on that one. Having an occasional manicure/pedicure is not injurious to health. Bathing everyday is not known to have caused sudden, untimely death to any man. Brushing your teeth twice a day and clipping your toe-nails, before you stab someone to death with them, will not kill you either.

* When we go to the bathroom together, we talk about you.

* We have convenient and selective amnesia and hearing.

* When we say that we know something is going on, something is undeniably going on, and you’d better own up soon.

* We are thinking of the children when we secretly hope for a good-looking husband.

This article first appeared in the November ’07 issue of the magazine Complete Wellbeing, India.

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